Unsung People's History Month
Today begins Black History Month, a month to honor and witness the amazing contributions and experiences of Black Americans throughout history. But not at the Department of Defense (DoD). The DoD has ordered a halt on all special observances of any History Month or day that honors anyone, apparently, that isn’t a rich, white, straight male. That means the DoD will not only ignore Black History Month, but Women’s History Month, Pride, Juneteeth, National Disability Employment Awareness Month, etc., etc. No doubt, it’s just a matter of time before other agencies in the current administration follow suit.
But take heart, folks. Even if they take away our cherished History Months, there are so many other unsung fellow citizens we can honor with their own dedicated months. Here are but a few.
Broligarchs’ History Month. The centuries of unfettered rich, white, straight male supremacy have kept the broligarchs in the dark for too long. They’ve dominated plantations and board rooms and the halls of Congress and the media and technology and law enforcement and nearly every industry and facet of American life one can think of, and yet somehow there’s still no dedicated history month to honor them. These men need to be seen! So, this month let’s give them the high fives and headbutts and oohhs and aahhs and Sieg Heil salutes they so richly deserve. We see you! Shine on, Brave Little Victims, shine on!
“Corporate Media That Sold Out Democracy for a Buck” History Month. So very many to honor and nobody to factually cover it.
Adjudicated Rapists’ History Month. Let’s give it up for all the adjudicated rapists! With the president of the United States being an adjudicated rapist, himself, perpetrators can now be out and proud. And of course, this celebratory month includes all the credibly accused sexual assaulters and womanizers out there, including a fair few of Trump’s new Cabinet picks. We’ll commemorate them all, along with the enablers who facilitated their impunity and power. Rapists rule! Literally. And don’t miss the upcoming documentary on Amazon. It’s called, “#HeToo: The Perp Revival.”*
MAGA History Month. The complex, storied MAGA history can’t adequately be celebrated in a month, but it can be sold! Buy some gold sneakers! NFTs! Trump Bibles! Meme coins, whatever the hell they are! Red hats made in China, but: Go, USA! Don’t forget your MAGAPALOOSA tickets and if we cancel at the last minute with no refunds, just buy more gold sneakers! Drain your bank account! Mortgage your homes! We don’t care! We’ve never cared! Oh look, an immigrant is coming to eat your pets!
“Democratic Leaders Who’ve Rolled Over to Fascists” History Month. Pre-election, Democratic leaders told their base that the Republican party was now the MAGA party, that they were full-on fascists, threatening our very democracy. An existential threat, bar none. All hands (and dollars) on deck! But before you can say, “Gee, these Congressional seats are comfy,” they’re claiming those same hands need to reach across the aisle and work together. With fascists. Such rolling over is mighty impressive, and it’s about damn time that indomitable prostration got a full month of respect, showcasing party leadership capabilities. To that end, the Democratic primaries are getting a makeover. They’ll be held during this special observance month, but instead of debates and stump speeches, the primaries will now be Human Speed Bump Competitions. Each candidate must lie down on a busy street while a steady stream of cars and trucks run over them. The Human Speed Bump/candidate who allows the most cars and trucks to run over them as they enthusiastically declare how effective their strategy is at working *with* the vehicles, wins.
*Yup, I do know that all genders can be both perpetrators and survivors. But stats tell us it’s overwhelmingly cis men.